In My Orbit

Your dream job has always been exploring the cosmos being on front lines of discovering the secrets beyond our skies, but here you are light-years away from earth, abandoned by your company, with dwindling supplies, and your vibrator just died. All hope seems lost and you're so lonely, so what's the harm in clicking on a horny pop up ad?

Welcome to the world of In My Orbit! Chat with 3 cosmic cuties from outer space who are just dying to get to know you! Maybe you wont die alone and a virgin in space after all?

★ You’ve got a message! This week's newsletter features “Playful Personals”: keyboard cutie and emoji enthusiast seeks companion to wait out the inevitable death of the universe with (and maybe hold hands? Maybe smooch a little?). This reliable little shut-in is programmed for love! Will he hack his way into your heart? Let down your firewalls and see what he’s capable of. . . if you can lure him out of his hiding, that is!

We asked for more about Mercury from the man himself!

He said:"Oh…ehe? Well I guess I really got my start when I was maybe only 690 years old or so. I started tipping over my neighbors cows in the middle of the night, cus I thought it would be funny, you know? And don't you think hacking is just, like, the tipping cows of the internet!"

★ Sound the alarm! What’s this? Hottie alert! Chivalry is soooo outdated. This dedicated career man embraces modern values, like beating the absolute shit out of your enemies and questionable financial decisions! Will you be wooed by his shows of might? Do infodumps get you a little hot under the collar? And what might be hiding under that spiky exterior? Take a gamble on this red hot warrior and see what you’re made of in the war. . .of love~

We asked Mars to tell us a little bit about himself in his own words! Here’s what he said:

“So I guess my flags would be red. Wait, where are you posting this? Don’t take that out of context.”

★ Voted Olympia’s Hottest Bachelor 130,000 years and running! Will he reel you in with his overflowing charm, wit, and charisma? Will his dazzling dad physique dominate your daydreams? Let this experienced egomaniac spark an electrifying romance charged with drama, tension, and (dare we say it) the best damn chest hair you’ve ever seen!