Please Leave Me Alone, I Need to Poop

You: once young and intelligent, beaming with passion and ambition, have been crushed, ground down, melted and pressure-injected into a cog-shaped mold in the industrial dehumanization machine we call first world finance capital.

Your pleasures are now few:

• On most days, you are granted a quarter of an hour to consume any fast casual cuisine available within a two block radius of your office. This usually means a choice of either abstracted and essentialized "Mexican" or "Japanese" food or some manner of sandwich garnished with sprouts for seemingly no reason.
• You may eject, from your otherwise neglected body, the solid ("Poopee") or liquid ("Peepee") byproducts of the foregoing, deal flow permitting.
• You may shut your eyes and render yourself unconscious for anywhere from 3 to 5 hours each night, deal flow permitting.

Now picture, if you will, this horrifying scenario: